The Way of Life

THERE was a heavy odor in the little house which quite blighted the soft spring air as it blew in through the half-open window. For supper there had been onions and sausage, and the fried potatoes had burned. The smells which had arisen from the kitchen stove had mingled with the raw, soapy fumes which gave testimony that Monday was wash-day in the Black family. Now the smoking of the kerosene lamp on the centre-table seemed to seal in hermetical fashion the oppressive room against the gentle breeze of the May evening.

The woman, bending over a pair of trousers which she was patching, stuck the needle in the cloth, pulled the thimble from her fat, red finger, and rubbed her hands over her eyes.

‘Bed-time, Billy,’ she said to the nine-year-old boy who was playing with a picture-puzzle on the other side of the table.

‘Aw, ma, let me stay up, till pa and the boys get home.’

The woman shook her head.

‘I’ll get up in plenty of time to feed the chickens, anyhow. Honest, I will.’

‘You ought to be glad to go to bed,’ the mother sighed in answer. ‘I’d be. Seems to me I’d be tickled to death if I could drop into bed without my supper any night.’

‘ I ’ll go if you ’ll go, too. I just hate to go to bed knowing all the rest of you are up.’

‘Me go to bed! Why these trousers of yours aren’t finished yet and I’ve got to mend Tom’s shirt and your father’s coat, and then there’s the bread to set. Much chance I have to go to bed for a couple of hours, yet! Now you run along. If you go like a good boy, you can have a cooky.’

She put the thimble on her finger and bent over her mending again. She sewed steadily on until an hour later, when she heard the buggy drive into the yard and one of the boys came running in to ask her if she knew where the barn lantern was. It was in the cellar, and there was barely enough oil to make a dim light while the horse was being unharnessed. The boys were sent to bed immediately, with an injunction to be quiet so Billy would n’t be awakened. She heard the heavy tread of her husband in the kitchen as he hunted for the dipper to get a drink of water. Then he came into the sitting-room, sat down in a chair, and began pulling off his shoes. He groaned as he did it.

‘Say, Em,’ he said, ‘guess who I saw in town to-night?’

‘Who?’ was the unimaginative response.

‘You’d never guess in a hundred years. You’d never guess what she did, either. She sent you these.’ He drew from his pocket a package and a sheet of note-paper. The woman looked at them for a moment, but she did n’t touch them.

‘Hurry up, Em,’ said the man. ‘They won’t bite you.’

‘But what—?’ she faltered.

‘The best way to find out about ’em is to open ’em.’

She opened the package first. It was a cheap colored print of St. Cecilia at the Organ. It was in a bright gilt frame. Then she opened the note. She read it through once, with a little frown puckering her forehead. Then more slowly she read it the second time.

‘Minnie Jackson!’ she murmured. ‘I haven’t seen her for nearly ten years. I don’t know when I’ve thought about her, even. You read it, Jake?’

‘Yes. She did n’t seal it.’ He waited a minute, then said, ‘ I could n’t just make out what it was all about. What day is this?’

‘It’s our birthday—Minnie’s and mine. We used to call ourselves twins, but she’s a year older than I am. I’ve been so busy all day I never thought about it. What does Minnie look like? ’

‘Oh, she looks about the same, I guess, as the last time she was home. She’s getting fatter, though. Guess the climate out in California must agree with her.'

' Is she as fat as I am? ’

‘Just about, I guess.’

‘Did she look as if they were well off? What kind of a dress did she have on?’

‘I don’t know. Good enough, I guess. I did n’t see anything wrong with it. While she ran into the store to get this picture and write this note to you, old Jackson was bragging to me about how well Elmer had done. He said Min had married about as well as any girl round here.’

‘Did he say anything about whether she ever paints any?’

‘Paints? Whatever are you talking about, Em?’

She had bent over her sewing again, and he could not see her face as she answered, ‘When Minnie and I were little girls, I reckon we never had any secrets from each other, at all. I know I talked about things to her I never could have told to anybody else. She was that way with me, too. Well, she always said she wanted to paint, and I wanted to play. She was always copying every picture she saw. I remember she did one picture called A Yard of Roses, from a calendar. It was so good you could n’t have told the difference. Don’t you remember the time she took the prize at the art exhibit at the country fair, with a picture she had copied, called The Storm? One of the judges said it just made him shiver to look at it, it was so real.’

‘Come to think of it, I believe I do recollect something about Min having queer notions. I know us boys used to think she was stuck-up. What did she mean about the vow and about this picture being of you, by her?’

For a moment there was only the little click of her thimble against the needle. Then she said, ‘I guess I can’t make it clear to you, Jake. Minnie always did have her own way of putting things. We had lots of fancies, as we used to call them. But I suppose she was thinking about our old dreams. If they’d come true, she might have painted me, sitting like that.’

‘It don’t look much like you; even when you was young,’ was the reply of the man, not given to ‘ fancies ' — ‘ but what is it about the vow?’

‘I don’t know,’ said his wife shortly. It was one of the few lies she had ever told her husband. Just why, having told him so much, she could n’t tell him that Minnie Jackson and she had promised each other that, no matter what happened, nothing should keep them from realizing their ambitions, and that each year they would give a report to each other on their birthday, she could not have said. But suddenly her throat contracted and she could not see the patch on the coat.

‘How this lamp does smoke,’ she said, as she brushed her hand over her eyes.

‘Well,’ yawned her husband, ‘I guess most folks, leastwise most girls, have silly notions when they’re young. ‘Who’d ever think to see you now, that you ever had any such ideas? Anyhow, they never hurt you any. You’re a good wife for a farmer, Em. There ain’t a better woman anywhere than you.’

It was one of the few times in all the years of their marriage that he had praised her. Jacob Black had never been one to question life or to marvel at its wonders. For him, it held no wonders. The spell of life had caught him when he was young. He had ‘ fallen in love’ with Emmeline Mead and he had married her. She had borne him eight children. Five of them had lived. If Jacob Black had thought about it at all, which he did not, he would have said that was the way life went. One was young. Then one grew old. When one was young, one married and probably there were children. The wing of romance had brushed him so lightly in its passing, that at the time it had brought to him no yearning for an unknown rapture, no wonder at the mystery of life. After twenty-one years, if he had given it any thought whatsoever, he would have said that their marriage ‘had turned out well.’ Em had been a good wife; she had risen at daylight and worked until after dark. She was n’t foolish about money. She never went to town unless there was something to take her there. She went to church, of course, and when it was ‘her turn,’she entertained the Ladies’ Aid. Such recreations were to be expected. Yes, Em had been a good wife. But then, he had been a good husband. He never drank. He was a church member. He always hired a woman to do the housework, for two weeks, when there was a new baby. He let Em have the butter and chicken money.

The clock struck nine.

‘I’m going to bed,’ he said; ‘there ’s lots to do to-morrow. Nearly through your mending?’

‘No. Anyhow, I guess I’ll wait up for John and Victoria to come home.’

‘Better not, if you’re tired. John may get in early, but probably Vic will be mooning along.’

‘What?’ she cried. ‘What do you mean by that, Jake Black?’

‘Say, Em, are you blind? Can’t you see there’s something between her and Jim? Have n’t you noticed that it is n’t John he comes to see now? Have n’t you seen how Vic spruces up nights when he’s coming over?’

The woman dropped her sewing in her lap. The needle ran into her thumb. Mechanically, she pulled it out. She was so intent, looking at him, trying to grasp his meaning, that she did not notice the drops of blood which fell on her mending. When she spoke, it was with difficulty.

‘Oh, Jake, it can’t be. It just can’t be.’

‘Why can’t it ?’

‘Why, he’s not good enough for Victoria.’

‘Not good enough? Why, what’s the matter with Jim? I never heard a word against him and I’ve known him ever since he was a little shaver. He’s steady as can be, and a hard worker.’

‘I know all that. I was n’t thinking about such things. I was thinking about — oh, about— other things.’

‘Other things? Well, what on earth is the matter with the other things? Forman’s place is as good as any hereabouts, and it’s clear, and only three children to be divided among. There’s money in the bank, too, I’ll bet.’

‘But Victoria is so young, Jake. Why, she’s just a girl!’

‘She’s old as you was, when we got married, Em.'

He went into the kitchen for another drink of water. When he came through the room, he bent over to pick up his shoes. ‘Say, Em,’he said, ‘you surely don’t mean what you’ve been saying, do you, about Jim not being good enough for Vic? ’Cause it ain’t likely that she’ll ever get another chance as good.’

She did not answer. The man looking at her, the man who had lived with her for more than twenty years, did not know that a sudden rage against life was in her heart. He did not know that the lost dreams of her youth were crying out in her against the treachery of life. He did not know that the blindfold which the years had mercifully bound across her eyes had fallen away, and that she was seeing the everlasting tragedy of the conflict between dreams and life. He did not know that, in that moment, she was facing the supreme sorrow of motherhood in the knowledge that the beloved child cannot be spared the disillusions of the years. He only knew that she was worried.

‘Don’t you be giving Vic any of your queer notions,’ he said in a voice which was almost harsh. Jacob Black was an easy-going man. But he had set his heart on seeing his daughter the wife of Jim Forman. Did not the Forman farm join his on the southeast?

Until she heard him walking around in their bedroom overhead, she sewed on. Then she laid down her work. She picked up the picture. It was small, but she held it clutched in both hands, as though it were heavy. It would not have mattered to her if she had known that critics of art scoffed at the picture. To her it was more than a masterpiece; it was a miracle. Had she not felt like the pictured saint, when she had sat at the organ, years ago? She, too, had raised her eyes in just that way, and if actual roses had not fallen on the keys, the mystical ones of hopes too fragile for words, and beauties only dreamed of, had fallen all about her. There was a time when she had played the little organ in church. How her soul had risen on the chords which she struck for the Doxology, which always came just before the benediction! Even after Victoria was born, she had played the organ for a time. Then the babies came very fast, and when one has milking to do and dishes to wash and one’s fingers are needle-pricked, it is difficult to find the keys. Also when one works from daylight until dark, one wants nothing but rest. There is a sleep too deep for dreams.

It was years since Emmeline Black had dreamed except in the terms of her motherhood. For herself, the dream had gone. She did not rebel. She accepted. It was the way of life with women like her. She would not have said her life was hard. Jacob Black had been a good husband to her. Only a fool, having married a poor farmer, could expect that the dreams of a romantic girl would ever come true. Once she had expected it, of course. That was when Jacob Black had seemed as a prince to Emmeline Mead. She had felt the wing of romance as it brushed past her. But that was long ago. She did n’t like t he routine of her life. But neither did she hate it. For herself, it had come to seem the natural, the expected thing. But for Victoria —

Her dreams had not all gone when Victoria was born. That first year of her marriage, it had seemed like playing at being a housekeeper to do the work for Jacob and herself. She had loved her garden, and often, just because she had loved to be with him and because she loved the smell of the earth and the growing things which came from it, she had gone into the fields with her husband. Then when the year was almost gone, her baby had been born. She had loved the other children as they came, and she had grieved for the girls and the boy who had died, but Victoria was the child of her dreams. The other children had been named for aunts and uncles and grandfathers, and so had satisfied family pride. But that first baby had been named for a queen.

None of the boys cared for music. They ‘took after’ the Black family. But Victoria, so Emmeline felt, belonged to her. She had always been able to ‘play by ear,’ and her voice was sweet and true. The butter-andegg money for a long time had gone for music lessons for Victoria. When the girl was twelve, her mother had begun a secret fund. Every week she pilfered a few pennies from her own small income and put them away. Some time, Victoria was to go to the city and have lessons from the best teacher there. For five years she did not purchase a thing for herself to wear, except now and then a dress pattern of calico. That was no real sacrifice to her. The hard thing was to deny pretty clothes to Victoria. Then a year of sickness came. She tried to forget the little sum of money hidden away. Surely their father could pay the bills. If she had spent the butter-and-egg money, as he had thought she had done, he would have had to pay them alone. But when the doctor said that Henry must be taken to the county-seat for an operation, there was no thought of questioning her duty. Her husband had been surprised and relieved when she gave him her little hoard. It was another proof that he had a good wife, and one who was not foolish about money.

At last, her sewing was finished. She went into the kitchen and began to set the bread. But her thoughts were not on it. She was thinking of Emmeline Mead and her dreams, and how they had failed her. She had expected Victoria Black to redeem those dreams. And now Victoria was to marry and go the same hard way toward drab middle-age. She heard some one step on the front porch. There was a low murmur of voices for a moment and a little half-stifled laugh. Then the door opened.

‘Mother, is that you?' came something which sounded half-whisper, halflaugh from the door.

She raised her eyes from the breadpan. She smiled. But she could not speak. It seemed as if the fingers of some world-large hand had fastened around her heart. To her Victoria had always been the most beautiful, the most wonderful being, on earth. But she had never seen this Victoria before. The girl was standing in the door; eyes shining, lips trembling, her slim young body swaying as if to some hidden harmony. Then she leaped across the kitchen, and threw her strong arms round her mother.

‘I’m so glad you’re up and alone! Oh, mother, I had to see you to-night. I could n’t have gone to bed without talking to you. I was thinking it was a blessed thing father always sleeps so hard, for I could tip-toe in and get you and he’d never know the difference.’ She stifled a little laugh and went on, ‘Come on, outdoors. It is too lovely to stay inside.’ She drew her mother, who had not yet spoken, through the door. ‘I guess, mother,’ she said, as if suddenly shy when the confines of the kitchen were left behind for the star-lighted night, ‘that you know what it is, don’t you?’

For answer, Emmeline Black sobbed.

‘Don’t, mother, don’t. You must n’t, mind. Just think how near home I’ll be. Is n’t that something to be glad about?’

Her mother nodded her head as she wiped her eyes on her gingham apron.

’I wondered if you saw it coming?’ the girlish voice went on. ‘You never let on, and the kids never teased me any. So I thought perhaps you told ’em not to. I have n’t felt like being teased about Jim, someway. It’s been too wonderful, you know.’

Not until that moment did Emmeline Black acknowledge the defeat of her dreams. Wonderful! To love and be loved by Jim Forman, of whom the most that could be said was that he was steady and a hard worker, and that there were only two other children to share his father’s farm!

‘Don’t cry, mother,’ implored Victoria, ‘though I know why you’re doing it. I feel like crying, too, only something won’t let me cry to-night. I guess I’m just too happy ever to cry again.’

Still her mot her had not spoken. She had stopped crying and stood twisting her apron with nervous fingers.

‘Mother,’ said Victoria, suddenly, ‘you like Jim, don’t you?’ She said it as if the possibility of any one’s not liking Jim was preposterous. But, nevertheless, there was anxiety in her voice.

Her mother nodded her head.

‘Then why are n’t you really glad? I thought you would be, mother.’

There was no resisting that appeal in Victoria’s voice. Never in her life had she failed her daughter. Was she to fail her in this hour?

‘You seem like a little girl to me, Victoria,’ she found voice to say, at last. ‘I guess all mothers feel like this when their daughters tell them they are going to leave them. I reckon I never understood until just now, why my mother acted just like she did when I told her your father and I were going to be married.’

Victoria laughed joyously. ‘I’m not a little girl. I’m a woman. And, mother, Jim is so good. He wants to be married right away. He says he can’t bear to think of waiting. But he said I was to tell you that if you could n’t spare me for a while, it would be all right.’ There was pride in her lover’s generosity. But deeper than that was the woman’s pride in the knowledge that he could n’t ‘bear to think of waiting.’

‘ It is n’t that I can’t spare you, dear,’ said her mother. ‘But oh, Victoria, I’d wanted to have you go off and study to be a fine musician. I’ve dreamed of it ever since you were born.’

‘But I could n’t go even if it was n’t for Jim. Where would we ever get the money? Anyway, mother, Jim is going to buy me a piano. What do you think of that?’

‘A piano?’

‘Yes. He has been saving money for it for years. He says I play too well for an old-fashioned organ. And on our wedding trip we’re going to Chicago, and we’re going to pick it out there, and we’re going to a concert and to a theatre and to some show that has music in it.’

In spite of herself, Emmeline Black was dazzled. In all her life she never had gone to the city except in her dreams. Until that far-off day of magic when Victoria should be a ‘fine musician’ she had never hoped to replace the squeaky little organ with a piano.

‘He says he has planned it ever since he loved me, and that has been nearly always. He says he can just see me sitting at the piano playing to him nights when he comes in from work. I guess, mother, we all have to have our dreams. And now Jim’s and mine are coming true.’

‘Have you always dreamed things, too?’ asked her mother. It did not seem strange to her that she and this beloved child of hers had never talked about the things which were in their hearts until this night. Mothers and daughters were like that. But there was a secret jealousy in knowing that they would not have found the way to those hidden things if it had not been for Jim Forman. It was he, and not she, who had unlocked the secrets of Victoria’s heart.

4 Why, yes, of course, mother. Don’t you remember how you used to ask me what was the matter when I was a little girl and would go off sometimes by myself and sit and look across the fields? I did n’t know how to tell you. I did n’t know just what it was. And don’t you remember asking me sometimes if I was sick or if somebody had hurt my feelings, because you’d see tears in my eyes? I’d tell you no. But someway I could n’t tell you it was because the red of the sunset or the apple trees in blossom or the crescent moon, or whatever it happened to be, made me feel so queer inside.’ She laughed, but there was a hint of a sob in her voice. ‘Is n’t it strange, mother, that we don’t seem able to tell folks any of these things? I could n’t tell you even now, except that I always had an idea you’d felt just the same way, yourself. I seemed to know I got the dreams from you.’

‘Hush,’ warned her mother. ‘There’s some one coming. Oh, John, is that you?’

‘Yes. Why don’t you two go to bed? ’ answered the boy. ‘It’s getting late, and there’s a lot to do to-morrow.’

‘It is bedtime, I guess,’ said his mother. ‘Run along, Victoria. And sweet dreams.’

She cautioned John and his sister not to waken the others, as they prepared for bed. She walked into the house. She tried the clock. Yes, Jake had wound it. She locked the door. She folded her mending neatly and put it away. She placed Minnie Jackson’s letter in the drawer of the table. She took the picture of St. Cecilia and balanced it on the little shelf above the organ, where had been a china vase with dried grasses in it. She stood off and looked at it critically. She decided that was the very place for the picture. She looked around the room for a place to put the vase, and made room for it on top of the little pine bookcase. She walked to the table and hunted in the drawer until she found pen and ink and a piece of ruled paper.

’Dear Minnie,’ she wrote in her cramped, old-fashioned hand, ‘I was so glad to get your note and the picture. I want to thank you for it. Can’t you come out right away and spend the day with me? I have so much to tell you, and I want that you should tell me all about yourself, too. You see I’m keeping the vow, just as you did, although we had forgotten it for so long. Is n’t it strange, Minnie, about things? Here I’d thought for years that my dreams were gone. And now it seems Victoria had them, all the time. It’s a secret yet, but I want to tell you, and I know she won’t mind, that Victoria is going to be married. You know Jim Forman, don’t you? Anyway, you knew Cy Forman and Milly Davis, and he’s their eldest child. I hope Victoria can keep the dreams for herself better than I did. Perhaps she can. She’s going to have things easier than I have, I hope. But if she can’t, surely she can keep them until she has a child to give them to, just as I gave mine to her. I never thought of it before, but it seems to me to-night that perhaps that is the surest way there is of having our dreams last. I don’t see how I’m going to stand it to see my girl growing fat and tired and old from hard work, like I’ve done. But there is another side to it. You’re a mother, too, Minnie, so I guess I don’t need to tell you that all the music and all the pictures in the world would n’t make up to me, now, for my children. We did n’t know that when we had our “ fancies,” did we? But we know it now. Come out soon, Minnie. We’ll have so much to talk about, and I want that you and Victoria should know each other.’

She folded the paper and slipped it into an envelope which she addressed and stamped. Then she blew out the light.