Titular Tour

WHEN my ship comes in I’m going to make a comprehensive tour of the United States. I’m not going to visit cities like Chicago, San Francisco, Philadelphia, or New Orleans; neither shall I be interested, on this trip, in seeing the wonders of Yellowstone Park, the Grand Canyon, or the Yosemite. Cook’s will have no hand in arranging my itinerary; Rand McNally and Company will be my only guide.

I am going to places like Bippus, Indiana; Smackover, Arkansas; Kitzmillersville, Maryland; Co-Operative, Kentucky; Skiddy, Kansas; and Frostproof, Florida. My route will take in Licking, Missouri, too, and Dummer, New Hampshire; Winegar, Wisconsin; Telephone, Texas; Cheesequake, New Jersey; Kunkle, Ohio; and towns like Clackamas and Umpqua in Oregon.

I’m going to find out why Increase, Mississippi (population, 150), did n’t, and why Rest, Arkansas, is a popular residence for only 40 people. Also where the hitch was in the plans of Expansion, North Carolina (population 75). Lotta, North Carolina (population 50), is another similar case I shall investigate. And what, I wonder, blasted the faith of the founders of Confidence, West Virginia (population 200)? Success, Arkansas, did a little better, I notice, but still, 308 inhabitants are not much to brag about.

Another thing I should like to know is whether Defeated, Kentucky, and Odd, Virginia, really are, and how a place in Wisconsin came to rejoice in the title of Embarrass. And to find out how Fame, Oklahoma, got that way — I’d never heard of it before. It will be interesting, too, to find out whether towns like Economy, in Indiana, Frugality, in Pennsylvania, and Thrift, in Texas, were originally settled by the Scotch, and if there are any Scots in the towns of Gratis in both Ohio and Georgia, Treat, in Arkansas, and Liberal, in Kansas.

In view of the present national interest in monetary matters, I have placed Monie, Long Green, and Security, Maryland, on my itinerary, as well as Coin, Iowa; Wages, Colorado; Value, Mississippi; Cash and Dime Box, Texas; Cache Junction, Utah.

There are some pretty names that tickle my fancy, such as Harmony, which is to be found in several states; Ohio’s trio, Felicity, Fidelity, and Friendship; Bliss, Idaho; Contontnea, North Carolina; Coyville and Pretty Prairie, Kansas; Sublimity, Oregon; Gay and Benevolence in Georgia; Summer Shade, Kentucky; Welcome, Louisiana; Inspiration, Arizona; Keep Tryst, Maryland; Sweet, Idaho; Desire, Pleasant Unity, and Sabbath Rest, Pennsylvania; Joy, Utah; and Simplicity, Virginia. Texas has Blessing, Comfort, Goodnight, and Happy.

Every tourist agent knows you have to have romance in a tour, so I’m going to Love in Arizona, Arkansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Mississippi, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, and Virginia, and to Lover, Pennsylvania. Texas has a Loving and a Lovelady, and I’d like to know whether Loveless in both Alabama and Illinois is an old maid’s paradise.

I want to find out why some hideously named towns don’t make a change, such as Clam, in Virginia; Tumwater, Twisp, and Puyallup, in Washington; Hammer, South Dakota; Bumpus Mills and Soddy, Tennessee; Drain, Oregon; Hohokus and Lower Squankum, New Jersey; Sopchoppy, Florida; Zap, North Dakota.

Some towns I‘m going to visit to see if they’re as bad as they sound are Muddy, Illinois; Bad Axe, Michigan; Hardburly, Kentucky; Hetch Hetchy Junction, California; Concrete, North Dakota; Slick and Swink in Oklahoma; Shirkieville, Indiana. And two others I’d like to know more about are Soso, Mississippi, and Oso, Washington.

There seem to be quite a number of places that might lay claim to having the shortest names. Alabama has Ai and Ur; Texas, Ka and Re; Kentucky, Ed and Ep; Ohio has Ox, and Tennessee, Ho. And I’m going to ask someone in Tom Brooks, Maryland, why, after all these years, they recently dropped its former designation of T. B. and gave it its full name.

For sublime modesty, Humble, Texas, seems to take the cake, or perhaps it’s Only, Tennessee. When I get back I ’ll know which is the more shrinking violet of the two. And I’m going to find out whether Gravity, Iowa, and Clever, Missouri, really are. Two other Missouri towns on the route are Nobby and Peculiar. Then Best, in Texas, is down for a call, and Pahrump, Nevada, which, to make a very bad pun, is like the sound of a great ahem.

I plan to spend Christmas in either Santa Claus, Indiana, or Christmas, Arizona. I want to see the places that have numbers instead of names — Ninety Six, South Carolina; Hundred, West Virginia; Seventysix, Missouri; and Old Hundred, North Carolina. Also Six Mile, in South Carolina; Bermuda Hundred, Virginia; Twelve Mile, Indiana; Seven Mile and Fivemile, in Ohio; and Twentynine Palms, California. I’m going to spend a day in Day, Arkansas, half a day in Halfday, Illinois, and visit Shorter, in Alabama, Many (population, 1239) and Iota (827), in Louisiana. North East, in Maryland and Pennsylvania; Due West and North, in South Carolina; and North, Virginia, are also scheduled.

Here are some others that I’ve put down just for the fun of it — Alpha and Omega, in Ohio; Spion Kop, Montana; Platter, Oklahoma; Guess, South Carolina; Willie, Georgia; and Kidder and Okobojo, South Dakota. I wonder, too, if Justus, Ohio, is a settlement of newly-weds; if Okay, Oklahoma, is all right; whether Pee Dee, North Carolina, and Jayess, Mississippi, and Pe Ell, Washington, are somebody’s initials. I want to stop at Romulus and Remus in Michigan, and see if there is any connection between Cruise and Cuba in Missouri.

I shall go to Adamant , Vermont, because it conjures up a picture of embattled farmers fighting the rocks and boulders of the Green Mountain State. Others of the same style are Grit, Kentucky; Vim, Colorado; Ready, Michigan; Energy, Illinois; Brave, Pennsylvania, and Bravo, Michigan. Also Quick, South Carolina; Hasty, North Carolina; Hurry, Maryland, and Speed, Missouri; Difficult, Tennessee, and Difficulty, Wyoming. Chilly, Idaho; Chillum, Maryland; and Frozen, West Virginia, sound like good places to spend a summer, and Chili, Indiana, ought to be a hot place. Speaking of hot places, I’ve been unable to find a Hell or Purgatory, although a locality near Newport, Rhode Island, has the latter title.

Here are still others I don’t want to miss — Cornucopia, Oregon; What Cheer, Iowa; Dlo and Reform, Mississippi; Horseheads and Candor, New York; Callaboose, Kentucky; Golf and Polo, in Illinois; the towns of Mutt and Jeff, in Texas; Plain Dealing, Yscloskey, Water Proof, Solitude, Strange, and Tickfaw, in Louisiana; Dames Quarter, Accident, and Choptank, Maryland; Brethren, Amble, Detour, and May bee, Michigan; Ketchuin, in Oklahoma and Idaho; Buncombe, Preemption, and Winkle, in Illinois; Fry, Experiment, Social Circle, Young Harris, and Towns, in Georgia; Normal, Praise, and Stamping Ground, in Kentucky; Hill and Dale, Ohio; Lo Lo, Montana; Loco, Non, Gerty, and Corn, in Oklahoma; Finger and Dukedom, in Tennessee.

There are some queer ones in Pennsylvania — Bally, Quakake, Shickshinny, Bird in Hand, Loyalsock, Distant, Drums, Seek, Espy, and King of Prussia. Texas has Scurry, Wink, Blanket, Merit, Pettus, Pert, and Peach. In Virginia are Lively, Wily, and Wise. South Dakota boasts of Oral and Tea; Washington has Cle Elum and Startup; Antiquity is in Ohio; Plush, Neverstil, Talent, and Sisters are in Oregon, and Fried and Omemee in North Dakota. I like the sound of Nyssa, Oregon. I’m going to stop off at both Maiden and Manly, North Carolina, and want to be in Monday, Ohio, on that day.

It’s going to be a lot of fun and I expect to learn a great many interesting things. And that will be another story.