My Own War Memoirs

by T. S. WATT

I AM one of those people who throw themselves into literature with more zest than into life, and I think I throw myself farther and sink deeper than most. In life, I am content to mind my own business and keep my opinions to myself, but in literature I speak out boldly. “You’re making a fool of yourself, Othello,” I say, slapping him on the back. “She’s innocent, man!” “You come right away from the edge of that platform,” I tell Anna Karenina. In life, I am tolerant of bores, but not in literat ure. On one occasion I pushed Mr. Pcggotty and Ham off the end of Yarmouth pier, and on another, I am sorry to say, I strangled Little Nell.

Occasionally, of course, I have to be content with a less masterful role. In the last few weeks, for example, I have found myself embroiled in a world war, trying to act as a good general should, and at the same time to deal with a fusillade of exhortation and advice from the celebrated statesman into whose memoirs I have rashly ventured. It has all been pretty worrying, as I hope to show: —

Primo Minister to General Watt

1. You take up your command at a period of crisis. The eyes of the whole nation are turned toward you in this memorable hour.

2. All now hangs upon the sullen menace of the Northern Bulge, and you will no doubt seek every opportunity of hurling yourself in the path of the wicked men and making them fire off their ammunition.

3. We are in your hands, but it seems that you must choose between

a. Striking a massive blow at Von Schulenberg’s rear, and

b. Flinging General Soames across the Platero.

4. I have no doubt that you will maturely but swiftly consider the whole position. Hack me out a scheme on one sheet of paper.

5. What is this I hear of Bailey?

Best wishes.

General Watt to Prime Minister

1. I arrived here yesterday and things seem to be in a bit of a mess.

2. No one here knows anything about the Northern Bulge you mention, but they say that there is a Southern Bulge and that they don’t like the look of it.

3. I shall assume that there are in fact two bulges, and I enclose a plan for a double-pronged thrust to puncture both. The paragraph beginning “General Howell will shout ‘Forward!’” has run on to the second sheet, but I had to choose between that and squeezing it on to the margin of the first. I hope it’s all right.

4. We have no Bailey, but there is a Booley in the H.Q. cookhouse. His grandfather passed away about six weeks ago, but he seems in good heart.

Prime Minister to General Watt

1. A grim prospect now gapes upon us all. Is it not possible that Panther should be Namsossed by Acrobat?

2. You have not replied to my message beginning “Beware.”

3. Pray let me have a model of Jerusalem.

Best wishes.

General Watt to Prime Minister

1. Really, some of the chaps here seem to take things pretty casually.

2. I had completed all the preparations for “Bulgo” yesterday, and we were just ready to start, when suddenly everyone began to shout “Where’s General Soames?” I found him eventually, buying a carpet in a bazaar. I said pretty sharply, “In just under an hour we’ll be Namsossing Panther, and here you are, buying a carpet.” He replied, “There’s plenty of time to buy this carpet and to beat the Germans too.”

3. I had him put under close arrest, but it seemed best to take him along with us, because no one else knows anything much about “Puncture” (Bulgo ∔T 3). I thought he could be freed for the battle and then arrested again immediately afterwards. Is that more or less all right, do you think?

Prime Minister to General Watt

1. You must now turn to the East.

2. We have all watched with admiration your resolute and resourceful prosecution of the campaign, and have exulted in the startling originality and unexpectedness of your maneuvers.

3. We feel, however, at this moment when so much is molten, and when you yourself, judging by your recent message beginning “At times I hardly know whether I&8217;m coming or going,” are staggering momentarily under the burden of these somber responsibilities, that it may well be that the time has come to make a change in this command.

4. We have therefore decided to ask you to assume supreme control of the Eastern theater, upon which the foe may at any moment turn his evil glare, and in which we have long felt the need of a leader of real force and fire. “Thou art the man” (2 Samuel xii. 7).

5.Depart at earliest.

Best wishes.

General Watt to Prime Minister

1. I don’t want to be a nuisance, but where do I go exactly?

2. As you say, everything’s pretty molten, and I’m afraid I’ve got a bit out of touch as to who’s on our side and who’s not. What I particularly want to avoid is trying to set up my H.Q. in some neutral country and getting interned — or, worse still, blundering into the hands of the enemy. I hate to trouble you, but I should be glad of a few details. “Behold, the half was not told me” (1 Kings x. 7).

Prime Minister to General Watt

1. We have been gravely concerned by the recent reports of carelessness and inefficiency in the handling of War Office correspondence. Envelopes have been wrongly addressed and even sent out empty, wasting time and energy and thus assisting the enemy.

2. The situation calls for vigorous action under dynamic and forceful leadership, and we have therefore decided . . .

It all has a sort of horrible fascination, but I can’t say that I shall be sorry to get back to something a little less exacting — reprimanding Lady Macbeth, perhaps, or warning King Arthur about Lancelot.