House for Sale
ROBERT W. WELLS commutes from Cold Spring on Hudson to New York City, where he covers news and features as correspondent of the Milwaukee Journal.
by ROBERT W. WELLS
I’VE been doing a little looking at houses lately and a lot of looking at classified advertisements for houses. I’ve learned that the things people say about the houses not living up to their notices just aren’t so. You’ve just got to understand the language, that’s all.
I found, for instance, that when the seven-point type says “quiet suburban retreat,” what it means is “the lot is seventy feet wide and the families next door have no more than three children under six.” The realtors would, I am sure, put down the more accurate elaboration if it were not more costly and time-consuming to spell such matters out. In the interests of economy, therefore, I have compiled a short glossary of typical terms used in real-estate promotion: —
Picturesque setting: Two rosebushes. Suburban living: Two rosebushes and a maple sapling.
Wooded lot: Same two rosebushes, two maple saplings.
Wooded country estate: Two rosebushes, two maple saplings, five forsythias.
Easy commuting distance: You can drive to the city in a flat forty-five minutes if you commute between 4 and 5 A.M. At other times, allow two hours.
Owner leaving town: Wait till you see the place; you‘ll know why.
Sparkling clean: They washed the front steps, but look out for that loose board.
See interior to appreciate: Outside hasn’t been painted since 1907.
Doll house: Just the right size. If you’re a doll, that is.
Five years new: Hurry, friends, the roof is leaking.
Gracious living: Has inside plumbing.
Expandable: You can add another room for not more than half the cost of the house.
English style dwelling: Plenty of London fog in the basement.
Priced for quick sale: Owner cut the ante after that last big rain.
Contemporary: Lumber hasn’t had time to warp yet.
Cape Cod beauty: Massachusetts fisherman’s shanty with gables.
For the executive: Inside plumbing upstairs and down; and it’ll cost you, brother.
A sacrifice: Owner isn’t making one; he’s asking for one.
Completely remodeled: Eighteen dollars’ wort h of new wallpaper.
House with a view: Not a beautiful view, you understand; not even a pretty view; but a view.
Easy to finance: Put 50 per cent down and the bank’ll take a chance.
Neat ranch house: A one-story house with four rooms.
Rambling ranch house: A one-story house with five rooms.
Immediate occupancy: Hurry up, pal, the joint’s getting on my nerves.
Up-to-date trilevel: Basement, first floor, attic.
Going fast: Buy it now. It’ll never last through another winter.
Close to shopping facilities: Joe‘s Bar next door.
Plenty of closets: That’s what the rooms are, closets.
By appointment only: A little warning, please; we’ve got to shove that sofa in front of the cracked plaster.
Ideal for the handy man: I‘ve given up on that leaky roof; now you try.