Sportspeak

There has been such a surge of interest in sports lately that the au courant can no longer feel confident of their status without some knowledge in this area, whether they care or not. It is better to care, of course, and to have cared since you were tiny, back when the Dodgers were at Ebbets Field, which you have never forgiven Walter O’Malley for leaving although you now admit it was a shrewd move. But it is not too late to play catch-up. Here is a sport-by-sport rundown—we’re talking “the big leagues,” “the pros,” “the circuit”—that will provide a conversational mastery of this important lingua franca.

BASEBALL

Many baseball players are named Reggie. Some of them make a great deal of money as well as a great deal of noise. Their coaches are called managers. Baseball players play innings, usually nine per game, to win in the division to win the pennant to play in the World Series. They score runs and pitch no-hitters and get it on the hop to the bag. They have statistics. .315 is a good statistic. 1.74 is a good statistic. Baseball players wear tight-fitting uniforms in stretch fabrics and they often display bulging paunches along with the bulging cheeks. They spit a lot and spend a lot of time in the clubhouse playing cards. Baseball players have not gone to college, except Arizona State and USC. They have gone to the farms instead. Sometimes they go back there.

Baseball players come from Kentucky, Louisiana, and California and have replaced the robin and the snowdrop as the harbingers of spring. Everybody is happy when once again the photographs of baseball players hawking and spitting in the Florida sun appear in the newspapers during the snows of February.

Glossary of useful terms: fielder’s choice; 1-4-3; 2-bagger; high, hard one; full count; low and outside; throwing smoke; up and in; rotator cuff.

Topics: Can anyone beat the Yankees? How tall exactly was Bill Veeck (as in “wreck”)’s midget? Who is the Big Dodger in the Sky? Whither Charles 0. Finley, and why? Are the Red Sox the new Brooklyn Bums?

FOOTBALL

Football players are called Bill or Steve, with a sprinkling of Bubbas. Their coaches are called Chuck. Football is played in halves to qualify within divisions to win the title to go to the Super Bowl. Football players put six on the board and kick it through the uprights and throw the long bomb. They have extremely large necks and have been to college, mostly Alabama, except for the ones who come from Cyprus. Football players attend banquets, film commercials, date starlets, and read the Bible. They play football once a week. They all have 4.2 speed and are active in their communities. Football players play with pain and do not use illegal drugs anymore.

Glossary of useful terms: came to play; third and long; weak side; red dog; on the numbers; late hit; took a shot; anterior ligaments.

Topics: Can anyone beat the Steelers? How would Lombardi do today? What is it that isn’t everything, but the only thing, or is it the other way around? Does the helmet constitute a deadly weapon? Is Howard Cosell excusable?

BASKET BALL

Many, many basketball players have the last name Johnson. An entire team could be made up of basketball players named Johnson but for the difficulties with the backs of the shirts. Other basketball players are called Elgin, Elvin, Elmore, and Jerry. Basketball players are tall and black except when they are tall and white except when they are called Calvin or Charlie and then they are 5'9". Basketball players play in quarters to qualify within their divisions to win the playoffs to get to the NBA Championship Series by June. They hit hoops to score a pair and they get back on the D. Basketball players grew up playing basketball on pitted cement city playgrounds except when they grew up playing with the basket attached to the corn silo in the back yard. Most basketball players went to college at UCLA or North Carolina, except for those over 6'10" whose first and last names begin with the same letter, who are allowed to come to play directly out of high school. Many basketball players have big round beds and long fur coats.

Glossary of useful terms: in your face; air ball; jump ball; loose ball; back door; box out; downtown; set shot; elbow; flagrant foul; zone.

Topics: Can anyone beat the Bullets? Will there ever be another dynasty like the Celtics? Whatever happened to the Celtics? Could Kareem have taken Wilt? What about Russell? What is the intangible quality shared by the following players and is it necessary: Iceman, World, Special K, Downtown, Superjohn, Pistol, Truck?

HOCKEY

Hockey players come from Canada and are called Maurice or Guy when they are not called Bobby. Hockey is played indoors on ice in the parts of the country that are going to have trouble because of the energy crunch anyway. Hockey players win games to win the division to get to the playoffs to play for the Stanley Cup. They score goals with slap shots and they guard the nets. Often they have brawls that clear the bench. Hockey players have rarely finished the tenth grade. If you have not hit your stride on the ice by the age of four, you cannot be a hockey player. Because hockey players suffer from a terrible rash that makes life difficult to enjoy and have no front teeth, many people over the age of four do not care that they cannot become hockey players. Every hockey player who does not speak French knows someone who does. You cannot say that about baseball players.

Glossary of useful terms: face-off; in the crease; between the pipes; body check; shift; high sticking; icing; tripping; hooking; boarding; gross misconduct; puck.

Topics: Can anyone beat Montreal? Was there ever a greater player than Orr? Where is Derek Sanderson and what does he go to show?

SOCCER

You do not need to know anything about soccer yet, although you should be able to pronounce Pele (Peh-lay ).

TENNIS

Tennis is no longer a country club sport. Many tennis players now have bad manners. Others are called Chrissie and Arthur. Tennis players are seeded and take games at love to win sets to advance to the finals. Tennis players have wicked topspin and they win more money than almost anyone else. They should be more concerned about their responsibility to the sport. Tennis players’ girlfriends often travel with them, except when they are women tennis players, and then everything tends to be more difficult. One woman tennis player was once a man tennis player, and things are most difficult of all for her. Tennis players do not go to college for long. They come from many countries, give endorsements, and now live in Monte Carlo, Hilton Head, or Queens. Tennis players will never again be the equal of Rocket or Pancho.

Glossary of useful terms: first service; spin; smash; let; lob; drop shot; passing shot; ground stroke; dig down; base line duel; unforced error; bagel.

Topics: What about Jimmy Connors’s mother? How straight are Tracy Austin’s teeth? Is Nastase really a prince of a fellow in private life? Does Donald Dell constitute a conflict of interest?

GOLF

Most golfers are blond. It is not true that there is a quota on the golf circuit whereby only a limited number of darkhaired golfers may join. Golfers come from Texas and Florida. Many of them are men. They are called Tom. Golfers play eighteen holes within which they hit chip shots and the long drive and put it in the cup for the birdie to get on the leader board to win the tournament. It is hard to want to know more than this about golfers unless you are one or are married to one, because they are the most boring group of athletes there is. They are usually very quiet, so quiet you can hear a pin drop. There are on the whole too many golfers.

Glossary of useful terms: tee up; slice; hook; iron; par; water hazard; caddy; approach shot; foursome; sudden death.

Topics: Where is Arnie’s Army? Could Laura Baugh win a tournament, and under what circumstances? Why doesn’t the women’s tour love Nancy Lopez? Fuzzy Zoeller and Chi Chi Rodriguez?

AUTO RACING

There are different kinds of race car drivers. Grand Prix racers drive cars made in Italy and are named Mario or have had a great deal of plastic surgery. Another kind of race car driver comes from Georgia and has been tinkering vAth cars since he was rated PG. These are called stock car drivers. Many of them are related to each other. Other family members work in the pits, changing tires and fixing the spark plugs so the drivers can continue circling the track with their brothers and friends. Stock car drivers have not been to college and spend their spare time with their cars. They wear helmets and fireproof suits with writing all over them and they need them.

Glossary of useful terms: lap; drafting; yellow flag lap; collision; crash; smash-up; explosion; tangle; inferno; ambulance; hospital.

Topics: None that I can think of.

OLYMPICS

There are a number of other sports which you need to know about only in an Olympic year. Olympic years coincide with the American presidential elections, which is a useful aide-memoire. In general, when speaking of these sports, you can rely on the issues of unfairness in discrepant amateur standings and lack of government support for our guys. You do not have to remember names. Looking ahead to 1980, in brief:

Track and Field. Wonder how fast, with steady improvement of techniques and equipment, man will eventually run. Will there be a two-minute mile? Talk soberly about blood doping and the Finns and the advantage/disadvantage of barefoot training while tending a flock.

Swimming. Demand better testing methods for the detection of steroids and mutter about the appearance of the East German women. Speak positively of the Mission Viejo Nadadores and the dedication of those who battle government neglect and lack of steroids.

N.B. Swimmers are mostly under the age of sixteen, so here in particular you need not bother remembering names. Time will take care of them quickly.

Skiing. Fret about the lack of support for our training program and the distance to the Alps. Talk about the World Cup point system and Ingemar Stenmark. Pronounce “slalom” twelve times fast. Some skiers go on to make movies or to have movies made about them, and you should remember their names (Jean-Claude, Jill).

Skating. Remember that there are two kinds of skaters. Some of them come from Wisconsin and Minnesota and skate faster than the so-called amateurs from the Soviet Union anyway and serves them right. Other skaters are perky and graceful and are forced to join ice shows or become doctors to pay for the years of pre-dawn training to which their mothers drove them. You should be able to spot the double Lutz. You should have an opinion about Dick Button.