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Laws Concerning Food and Drink;
Household Principles;
Lamentations of the Father
by Ian Frazier
 F the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of
the sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the
hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat, but not in the
living room. Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you may
eat,
but not in the living room. Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the
wheat and of the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright color and
unknown
provenance you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the quiescently
frozen
dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats you may eat, but absolutely
not in
the living room. Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in
sippy-cups, you may drink, but not in the living room, neither may you
carry
such therein. Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet
begins, of any food or beverage there you may not eat, neither may you
drink.
But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching something, then may
you
eat in the living room.
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Hear Ian Frazier read the following passages in RealAudio:
(For help, see a note
on the audio.)
Part One:
RA 28.8, RA 14.4
Part Two:
RA 28.8, RA 14.4
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Laws When at Table
And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as a greater
person might use, keep your legs and feet below you as they were. Neither
raise
up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table, for that is an
abomination
to me. Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show, your feet
upon
the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke. Drink your milk as it
is
given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon,
for
that is not what they are for; if you will dip your blocks in the milk, and
lick it off, you will be sent away. When you have drunk, let the empty cup
then
remain upon the table, and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth
hold
it to your face in order to make noises in it sounding like a duck; for you
will be sent away.
When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have swallowed,
and
do not open it to show your brother or your sister what is within; I say to
you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister has done the same to
you.
Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize the
table
between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your lips. I
say
again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is. And though your
stick of
carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not with it upon the table,
even in
pretend, for we do not do that, that is why. And though the pieces of
broccoli
are very like small trees, do not stand them upright to make a forest,
because
we do not do that, that is why. Sit just as I have told you, and do not
lean to
one side or the other, nor slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed
me;
for if you sit like that, your hair will go into the syrup. And now behold,
even as I have said, it has come to pass.
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Parts Three and Four:
RA 28.8, RA 14.4
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Laws Pertaining to Dessert
For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is clean,
saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert. But of
the
unclean plate, the laws are these: If you have eaten most of your meat,
and two
bites of your peas with each bite consisting of not less than three peas
each,
or in total six peas, eaten where I can see, and you have also eaten
enough of
your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can see, then
you
shall have dessert. But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you
eat the
potatoes, still you shall not have dessert; and if you eat the peas, yet
leave
the potatoes uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not even a small
portion
thereof. And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around
with a
fork, that it may appear you have eaten what you have not, you will fall
into
iniquity. And I will know, and you shall have no dessert.
On Screaming
Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time. If you are given a
plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch each other are touching
each
other, your voice rises up even to the ceiling, while you point to the
offense
with the finger of your right hand; but I say to you, scream not, only
remonstrate gently with the server, that the server may correct the fault.
Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which every piece of herbal
seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome
to
you, and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain from screaming. Though
the
vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a faint unto death, make not that
sound
from within your throat, neither cover your face, nor press your fingers to
your nose. For even now I have made the fish as it should be; behold, I
eat of
it myself, yet do not die.
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Parts Five and Six:
RA 28.8, RA 14.4
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Concerning Face and Hands
Cast your countenance upward to the light, and lift your eyes to the hills,
that I may more easily wash you off. For the stains are upon you; even to
the
very back of your head, there is rice thereon. And in the breast pocket of
your
garment, and upon the tie of your shoe, rice and other fragments are
distributed in a manner wonderful to see. Only hold yourself still; hold
still,
I say. Give each finger in its turn for my examination thereof, and also
each
thumb. Lo, how iniquitous they appear. What I do is as it must be; and you
shall not go hence until I have done.
Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances
Bite not, lest you be cast into quiet time. Neither drink of your own bath
water, nor of bath water of any kind; nor rub your feet on bread, even if
it be
in the package; nor rub yourself against cars, nor against any building;
nor
eat sand.
Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that you should so afflict
it
with tape? And hum not that humming in your nose as I read, nor stand
between
the light and the book. Indeed, you will drive me to madness. Nor forget
what I
said about the tape.
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Part Seven:
RA 28.8, RA 14.4
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Complaints and Lamentations
O my children, you are disobedient. For when I tell you what you must do,
you
argue and dispute hotly even to the littlest detail; and when I do not
accede,
you cry out, and hit and kick. Yes, and even sometimes do you spit, and
shout
"stupid-head" and other blasphemies, and hit and kick the wall and the
molding
thereof when you are sent to the corner. And though the law teaches that
no one
shall be sent to the corner for more minutes than he has years of age, yet
I
would leave you there all day, so mighty am I in anger. But upon being
sent to
the corner you ask straightaway, "Can I come out?" and I reply, "No, you
may not
come out." And again you ask, and again I give the same reply. But when
you ask
again a third time, then you may come out.
Hear me, O my children, for the bills they kill me. I pay and pay again,
even
to the twelfth time in a year, and yet again they mount higher than
before. For
our health, that we may be covered, I give six hundred and twenty talents
twelve times in a year; but even this covers not the fifteen hundred
deductible
for each member of the family within a calendar year. And yet for ordinary
visits we still are not covered, nor for many medicines, nor for the teeth
within our mouths. Guess not at what rage is in my mind, for surely you
cannot
know.
For I will come to you at the first of the month and at the fifteenth of
the
month with the bills and a great whining and moan. And when the month of
taxes
comes, I will decry the wrong and unfairness of it, and mourn with wine and
ashtrays, and rend my receipts. And you shall remember that I am that I am:
before, after, and until you are twenty-one. Hear me then, and avoid me in
my
wrath, O children of me.
Illustration by Barry Blitt
Copyright © 1997 by The
Atlantic Monthly Company. All rights reserved.
The Atlantic
Monthly;
February 1997; Laws Concerning Food and Drink; Household Principles;
Lamentations of the Father; Volume 279, No. 2; pages 89 - 90.
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