My Secretaryship

FROM childhood I had always entertained a nervous dread of a doctor’s office: it seemed to me such a dark field of mystery, such a concentrated abode of horrors, while the proprietor himself ranked in my mind as a sort of genteel executioner ; and yet there I sat in just such a lion’s den, waiting, with a mingling of nervousness and impatience, for the return of Dr. Craig from his morning round of visits.

My business with the Doctor was of a peculiar nature, and calculated to make me feel still more shaky than the character of patient would have done. Beside the M. D.’s name between the windows, there was another sign which read, “ Examining Surgeon for U. S. Pensions” ; and it was this with which I had to do, but, as I said before, quite in a peculiar and unexpected way.

I was not alone; the friend with whom I had a home, and who had been the instigator of my remarkable proceeding, was with me, and was usually known as Mrs. Coleford ; but, from her wonderful powers of “deportment,” I called her “ Mrs. Turveydrop.” This formidable doctor, whom I had never seen, was an old friend of Mrs. Coleford’s, a bachelor, and represented as a very agreeable personage. My friend had lately carried on a correspondence with him on my account, for we lived in a country town a few miles from the city; and this correspondence culminated in a request from Dr. Craig that I should present myself at his office as soon as I conveniently could, to confer with him in person.

The subject of our proposed conference was this : I was quite a deserving and rather ill-used young person, without any particular object in life, and also without anything in particular to live upon. Mrs. Coleford kindly allowed me to teach two or three young children, that I might feel independent in her very pleasant home; but this was mere play for an able-bodied damsel, and I felt that I was intended for better things. I knew, too, that never, in these days of ruffles and fringes and sashes and double skirts, would I be able to get a suitable spring outfit, unless I did something to increase my immoderately small means.

Mrs. Coleford and I had many talks on the subject ; and how women do talk when they sit together with their sewing! If a bevy of slow-thinking men could listen unseen at such a sitting, their brains would whirl with sheer amazement at the plans discussed, perfected, and disposed of, in less time than it would take them to get ready to think.

“ I have a new . plan, Rose,” said my friend, one morning, hopefully ; " I thought it out last night when I was kept awake by that wretched dog howling next door. You know that there is a great deal of government writing given out to people, who are paid well for it, and many of these people are ladies. You write such a clear, legible hand, that you would be the very one to do it; and, as it is necessary to have a friend at court, I will send a note at once to Dr. Craig, of whom you have heard me speak, and ask him to use his influence. He was in the army, you know, and is now examining surgeon for pensions. I really believe that he could help you ; and he is very kind, and always ready to oblige a lady. I should be delighted to see you with a nice little income of your own ; and of late years, it is quite common for ladies to do such things.

My heart beat high with hope; and I placed myself meekly in “ Mrs. Turveydrop’s ” hands, with unfaltering trust that her “ deportment ” would bring about whatever was desired.

Dr. Craig responded promptly, and said that, if the lady in question wrote a clear hand, and would kindly undertake the task, he had writing of his own that needed copying, and he would be delighted to secure her services for himself. Query from Mrs. Coleford as to the nature of the writing, and whether it would be done away from the office. No answer from the doctor, but a petition that the secretary elect would come and be looked at, and talked to, as speedily as possible ; and this it was that brought me, under “ Mrs. Turveydrop’s ” protection, to Dr. Craig’s office.

Two or three poor fellows in fatiguecaps, and cloaks of that peculiarly ugly army-blue, with pale faces, and an empty sleeve or a crutch, were also waiting for the examining surgeon ; and I heartily hoped that every one of them would receive a generous pension.

Doors opened and closed, and people came and went, for the space of an hour; but when a latch-key turned in the door, and a firm step approached, I began to tremble with a sort of undefined dread, as though I expected to depart minus a tooth or a limb. My errand seemed almost improper, and I envied Mrs. Coleford her serenity.

The Doctor was not so very formidable, apart from his being a doctor; a fine, frank face, and six feet or so of height. He welcomed Mrs. Coleford warmly, and was very benevolent in his manner to me, kind to the bluecoats in waiting, and then evidently puzzled what to do with us all.

“ Step in here, please,” said he, presently, “ until I can despatch these army fellows ” ; and, opening a foldingdoor, he ushered us into what was evidently his sleeping-room, and shut us in.

It was rather a funny position, and I glanced in some bewilderment at Mrs. Coleford.

“ Alone, you know,” she whispered, apologetically ; “ has just the two rooms, and it is very evident that he means to be comfortable. Look at that bed, with its fine linen and ruffled pillow-cases; Brussels carpet, good enough for any one’s parlor; luxurious washstand and appointments — ”

“ And only think,” said I, with a bit of feminine malice, “ of wasting such a dressing-bureau and glass as this on a man ! —a being who has no back hair, and no skirts, and to whom the contemplation of the lower plaids of his trousers cannot be a matter of any moment whatever.”

“Some young lady has worked him that pincushion,” continued my friend, as her quick eyes discovered an elaborate affair of blue floss and crystal beads, then a watch-case to match, and various little knickknacks that no man could ever have gotten together.

A pair of slippers, also embroidered by some fairy hands, and a bootjack, were visible in one corner ; and I think it gave us quite a defrauded feeling to contemplate the comfortable retreat in which this doctor indulged in such slumbers as his patients would allow him. We had ample time to study the apartment before we were recalled to the office ; and then, pushing “ Mrs. Turveydrop ” forward, I insisted upon her opening the conference.

She did it very nicely; but I felt desirous of escaping somewhere, and made half-witted replies to various questions, until it seemed a perfect farce to suppose that the very sensiblelooking man at the table would think of entering into any business arrangement with such an idiot. The only respectable thing I said was when the Doctor had kindly remarked that he feared I should not find the task a very agreeable one, I managed to reply that I was not taking it up for amusement.

He bowed and smiled, and plunged into the depths of a huge waste-paper basket beside him.

“ I feel quite ashamed of myself,” said he to Mrs, Coleford, “for I had to keep the army records to arrange the pensions, and you know what a careless fellow I am. I write a deplorable hand, too; and if Miss Redingode can make it out from these scrawls, she will do more than I can.”

“ But what is it all for ? ” I asked, in great bewilderment ; “ and what am I to do ? ”

For my would-be employer was dragging forth rolls of thick yellow wrapping-paper, on which were scrawled hieroglyphics in faint pencil - marks, while other sheets looked like a mad tarantula dance in pale ink, with great splashes of that untransparent fluid by way of ornament, while stray slips of white paper, with more hieroglyphics and splashes, and even old visitingcards, thickly scrawled over, were added to the collection.

“ Pardon me,” was the reply, “ I forget that you are not acquainted with my habits and occupations. If you could look a shade less amazed, Miss Redingode, it would be a comfort to my feelings. But I may as well own at once my weakness, my evil behavior, by confessing that this is the disgraceful style in which I have kept the army register ; my only excuse being that it was done, under a heavy pressure of work, at odd moments ; and very odd, indeed, were the moments in which I could take my ease sufficiently to write. These crazy-looking documents are really important,” continued the Doctor, opening a huge blank-book on the table before him, “and should all be copied neatly in this volume. Will you kindly undertake the work ? There are a few pages already written, which you will find useful to guide you ; they were done by a very clever Irishman, who would have stolen the very coat from my back if I had kept him much longer.”

I had already opened my mouth to decline the task, when I caught Mrs. Coleford’s eye with a world of meaning in it.

Her glance said plainly, “Try it,

I will help you ” ; and in looking over the book she seemed to grasp the matter so readily, that I felt encouraged to undertake the work. The thought of my pressing needs also strengthened me ; and having ascertained that I could carry the treasures home with me, I boldly accepted the position of private secretary to Dr. Robert Craig, U. S. A.

“ Should there be any words that you cannot make out,” said my employer, benevolently, as though the thought had just struck him that such a thing might occur, “just mark them, if you please, and I will insert them afterward.”

I tried to conceal a smile, as I surveyed his appalling chirography, but was not very successful.

“ That is to be translated, ‘ One long mark, then, for every page,’ ” said the Doctor, gravely. “ I admire your heroism, Miss Redingode, in attempting such a task ; and perhaps the thought that you are advancing the interests of many poor maimed fellows, who have deserved well of their country, will aid you in reducing these irregular gambols of pen and pencil to something like system. I wish you every success, and beg in return — your charity.”

I grasped the heavy book which I persisted in shouldering, figuratively, although the Doctor had proposed sending it to me; while Mrs. Coleford secured a formidable roll of the yellow paper. I felt quite triumphant and hopeful ; it would be a decided victory to master this hopeless-looking task. It would be pleasant, too, to work in some way for the poor soldiers ; I had never done anything but one batch of Havelocks, that were no sooner completed and sent off than I heard that the soldiers could not endure them, and had desired that no more should be sent.

Dreaming vaguely of the future, and quite oblivious of the present, I walked on, until the heavy book which had been gradually slipping from my arm fell to the ground, and sprawled wide open. A gentleman in a fatigue-cap, and with a sort of undress, military air, sprang forward and restored the volume before I could stoop for it; an action common enough in itself, but the manner of doing it, the lifting of the cap just at the right moment, and the smile disclosing dazzling teeth, were full of a peculiar, fascinating grace.

The stranger was tall and handsome, and wonderfully like the officer in Rogers’s beautiful clay group, “Taking the Oath.” Especially, as he raised his cap, was I struck with the similarity of attitude ; but he was gone almost before these thoughts had flashed through my mind.

Ten A. M. next day found me armed with book, papers, and writing-apparatus, at Mrs. Coleford’s escritoire in the pleasant up-stairs sitting-room ; while my friend, sewing in hand, established herself on the lounge opposite, to encourage me with her presence and advice.

The yellow roll was tastefully tied together with a piece of pink tape; this I unfastened with a certain degree of awe, and carefully examined the first sheet of paper that came to hand. It was nearly empty ; but a few marks in pencil put me in possession of the pleasing fact that, at some time in the past, Dr. Craig had sent to his laundress six shirts, seven handkerchiefs, three pairs of drawers, eight pairs of stockings, and some other articles, of which the names were not quite so distinct.

I glanced at the roll in dismay. " He has certainly made a mistake,” I exclaimed, “and I will investigate no further, lest I come into a knowledge of all his private affairs.”

Mrs. Coleford quietly examined the papers. “ Quite inoffensive,”said she, smiling, “and none the less so that many of them might almost as well have been written in Chinese. I am afraid that your eyes will be twisted out of your head, Rose, in trying to decipher such letters. It is really a shame in Robert to be so careless in business matters.”

“And that man,” I exclaimed, vindictively, “ is placed in a position of responsibility, and receives a liberal salary for keeping his affairs in a mess that would disgrace a child’s doll-house ! and just because he is a man! I think it’s too bad ! ”

“ What is too bad ? ” asked my friend, — “ that he is a man, or that he does not keep his accounts in better order? If he did, Miss Rose Redingode would not have the opportunity of untangling them, to the manifest advantage of her spring wardrobe.”

“ But just look at these snarls ! he might, at least, have made his letters a little straighten”

“He might, —only, to misquote Dr. Watts as usual, it is n’t his nature to. Now, Rose, attend ; it will be a great help in this business to ascertain, in the first place, what we are expected to find in these scrawls; and here is the work of the thieving Irishman as our guide. You see that the soldiers’ names are alphabetically arranged; and opposite them, on the same page, age, place of nativity, place of residence, occupation, number of regiment, date of enlisting and discharge, nature of wound, and time and place where it was received. Then, in the back part of the book, is a detailed account of each case, under its proper name, and the amount of pension awarded. Here is a case that I think we can make out,” catching up one of the papers, and squinting her eyes to enhance their powers of vision, “ ‘ William Wilt’— ‘Well’ — ‘Webb’ — ‘ Wall' I think : ‘ William Wall, age eighty ’ — ”

“Nonsense!” I interrupted; “a soldier ‘aged eighty' ! ”

“ It must be fifty, then, or thirty, perhaps,” was the reply. “ Really, Dr. Robert, you are a trial, and you did well to beg the charity of your secretary in advance.”

At the end of an hour or so we had decided that William Wall (if he was Wall) was aged thirty (unless it meant fifty), that he was born in America (unless it was Australia), that his profession was that of tinman (unless it was librarian), that he lived in Newark (unless it was New York), and that “he received a gunshot round of thibet, (whatever that might be), and a shell in the centre of his right eye.”

For the benefit of the curious, it may be as well to state here that, when things were straightened out, the man Wall proved to be Mill, — for the Doctor didn’t believe in dotting his i’s, nor crossing his t s, nor turning his m’s the right way, — thirty-eight years old, born in Valparaiso, and living in New Haven ; and he received a gunshot wound of the left tibia, and a fragment of shell entered his right eye. As this was one of the most legible accounts, it will give some idea of our labors.

I jotted down the nonsense recorded above with a satisfied feeling that I was really getting to understand the business ; and Mrs. Coleford settled herself serenely to the consciousness of having fairly succeeded in launching me. She did not speak, for fear of breaking the spell that seemed to be guiding my pen to wonderful feats among the shoals and quicksands of those irregular items ; but suddenly I asked, in a half-dazed way, “ Do you think, Cornelia, that any man could have such a name as ‘ Wild Rats ’ ? ”

My friend took it calmly. “ If he is a German, and it is spelled with a z. Perhaps, the first name is Will.”

“It is n’t spelled with a z” I replied, “nor with anything else that looks like a rational letter. I wish to know if any human being could have his ' head torn away with a cannonball ’ and live ? ”

“ Hardly, I think.”

“ Well, according to Dr. Craig, (I’d like to dip him in a tub of ink !) Wild Rats had his head torn away with a cannon-ball, and was afterward put on full pension. I think he earned it, don’t you ? ”

We could make nothing of it, and I drew a line under the whole thing. The next paper had an immense blotch of ink over the entire name; and after consultation with my oracle, I wrote it down “John Smith,” until we could discover what it was intended for.

Suddenly I stopped, struck with a new idea. (My eyes were twisted every way, for each separate word in those horrible papers seemed to be tied up in a hard knot, and my head throbbed painfully with the effort to extract some kind of sense from Dr. Craig’s chaotic accounts.) This idea was a small magnifying-glass, and Mrs. Coleford responded admiringly to the suggestion ; while I seized hat and shawl, and darted off to the little lame watchmaker who kept our timepieces in order; and whom I found hard at work, with the very article that I coveted stuck on one eye.

He had none for sale, he said, but could get me one from town in a day or two.

I could scarcely refrain from snatching his own property away from him ; for I was exasperated at his taking-itfor-granted way that delay could be of no consequence to me, a woman, and might even prove wholesome discipline. Men never can seem to understand why women should be in a hurry for anything ; and even this wretched little watchmaker looked calmly down from an imaginary height on my excitement.

I probably succeeded in making my feelings intelligible, however ; for, presently, he hobbled around with some show of earnestness, and producing an ugly little affair, like a deep, black muffin-ring, he benevolently offered it to me as a loan, until the other one should arrive. I grasped it with grateful acknowledgment ; and the solemnlooking little man gazed after me in evident bewilderment ; while I shot down the street with my treasure, and presented myself, breathless and triumphant, in the sitting-room with a clew to all my difficulties.

It was a great help, certainly; and with our combined genius we accomplished wonders in an incredibly short space of time, and succeeded in converting “Wild Rats” into “Walter Bates,” being much relieved to discover that, instead of having his head torn away by a cannon-ball, his hipjoint was injured in some unintelligible manner by that clumsy missile, and one foot shot away. Poor fellows ! I began to realize what they had suffered.

I became deeply interested in my work ; and it had a very neat appearance, arranged in those orderly columns ; but suddenly a great splash of ink fell from my pen. and spread over nearly a quarter of the page with malicious celerity. I felt disgraced, and almost cried to see my work disfigured in this way ; but when I glanced at the doctor’s performances, I did not see how he could well complain.

“ Why does he call so many of them ‘ Pat,’ ” said I, “ when they are not Pat at all ? He says, ‘ Pat much disabled,’ ‘Pat progressing,’ ‘ Pat in hospital’ ; do you suppose he really means ‘ Pat ’ by this word ? ”

My friend turned it critically to the light. “ It may be a V,” she said, “and mean some sort of medical term ; but it certainly looks like P.”

“I shall put it down 'Pat,’” I said, “ though it seems perfectly senseless, and the Doctor can arrange it to suit himself.”

“ I wish,” said Mrs. Coleford, as she turned down a hem reflectively, “that I could make out what ‘ Double Imperial Hemorrhage’ is; it sounds like something dreadful. Perhaps we have made a mistake.”

“ I should be thankful to get off with one mistake,” I replied. “ I dread meeting Dr. Craig after he has received the book ; and yet I think that my indignation at his abominable handwriting will keep me up a little.”

In two or three days of close application the yellow roll was quite exhausted ; and, according to agreement, we must make a second visit to the Doctor’s office, to have the work examined and commented upon, and obtain a fresh relay of documents. We examined those columns critically before consigning the book to the expressoffice for its journey to town ; and while wondering for the twentieth time over some very queer injuries and complaints that had to be copied letter by letter as the Doctor seemed to have written them, and which in their best estate would have been Latin and Greek to us, we felt, on the whole, that the task had been accomplished in a very praiseworthy manner.

I saw at a glance, after the first greeting, that every part of Dr. Craig’s face was laughing, except his mouth. The book, which had arrived an hour or two before us, was open on the table, — open, too, just at that horrible blot; and with sudden courage, I remarked : “ I copied your work as accurately as I could, even to the blotting.”

He was evidently glad of some excuse for laughing ; and replied, as he turned over the leaves, “ You believe, then, in the Chinese style of following a pattern ? But, really, Miss Redingode,” he continued, “ I scarcely know what to say. I am overwhelmed with astonishment and gratitude. You must have found the task a fearful one.”

“It was not so bad after I began to use the magnifying-glass,” said I, resolved to punish him for that aggravatingly amused expression of countenance. “ I should like to know,” said I to myself, “ how he can expect women to understand army matters and surgical terms.”

“'Magnifying-glass’?” repeated the Doctor, glancing at Mrs. Coleford in a sort of comical distress. “ Really,” he added, coloring and laughing, as he buried his head in the book, “you ladies are too hard upon me.”

“ But this is no joke, Doctor,” continued Mrs. Coleford; “a magnifyingglass was really procured; and you do not know what a help we found it.”

“‘Anchovy of hip-joint,’” read the Doctor, by way of screening himself, “ that should be ‘ Anchylosis.’ ”

My face was burning painfully ; and I wished the ponderous volume safely lodged in the Atlantic Ocean. Dr. Craig glanced kindly at me, and praised the work and the penmanship, as he produced a fresh roll of documents, and asked if I would kindly continue to help him out of his dilemma.

“ I have business in L—,” said he, “and will bring you the book and papers in a day or two.”

“ I had almost given you up as a visitor,” said Mrs. Coleford, reproachfully, “ and had resolved never to ask you again.”

“You will soon see,” was the reply, “ that I did not come because I knew that if I began I should not have sense enough to stop.”

“ He does not want his book spoiled,” thought I, “and intends to watch the progress of my work.”

Just as we passed out of the door the handsome officer who picked up my book ran up the steps, politely bowing as he passed us. From Dr. Craig’s warm welcome, they were evidently old cronies. I felt quite provoked at myself for letting my thoughts dwell on him, and tried to become practical by saying “anchylosis” a number of times.

“ Rose,” said my friend, impressively, when we were fairly out of the office, “ I have a settled conviction that Dr. Craig is at this moment rolling on the floor with long-suppressed laughter. If ‘anchovy of hip-joint’ is a fair specimen, what work we must have made of the poor fellows generally. We spent a good hour over that word ‘anchovy,’ too.”

Dr. Craig made us a very pleasant evening visit, and brought the book and papers with him. We had a great deal of laughing and jesting over the matter; and, separated from the horrors of his office, I began to think the Doctor very agreeable. Cornelia played “Mrs. Turveydrop” to perfection ; but I feared that she was arranging some little plans of her own that threatened to swallow up my secretaryship, and this made me a trifle stiff and ungracious to our visitor.

The Doctor kindly gave me a lesson in anatomy, that I might understand his scrawls a little better ; and, emboldened by this condescension, Mrs. Coleford desired to know what “ Double Imperial Hemorrhage ” might be.

“ I never heard of such a thing ! ” was the astonished reply.

The book was opened at once, and the puzzling passage pointed out in black and white. The Doctor’s face was a study.

“ It sounds like a flower label,” said he, “but it should be ‘frequent internal hemorrhage.’ I really did not know that my writing was so atrociously illegible.”

The second roll was, if possible, worse than the first ; more ink-blotches, more faint pencil-marks, and various foreign matters of a private nature thrown promiscuously in.

“ What do you think,” said I to Mrs. Coleford, after puzzling out one poor fellow’s case with a great deal of interest, “of calling a man with one leg and one eye, jaw-bone shot away, and various other mutilations, " partly disabled,' and giving him half-pension ? Is not that outrageous ? I intend to write him down ‘a total wreck ’ and give him full pension.”

My friend looked frightened. “ That will scarcely do,” she said; “it might get the Doctor into trouble. Where does the man live ? ”

“Why, right here!” I replied in delight. “ Here is his address, — ‘ Patrick Doyle, No. 10 Lime Street’; let us go and see him.”

Lime Street was not a pleasant region, but we went that very afternoon, and found the poor fellow entirely alone in the neatest little mite of a house. Mrs. Patrick was out at carpet-weaving, by which she supported the family, part of whom worked with her ; while the invalid soldier “kept house,” as he called it, that is, sat and stared at the fire, for he seemed too weak to move about.

He assured us that he had been “blown to pieces intirely,” and expressed his willingness to have the process repeated for such an “ illigant counthry.” Poor, patient fellow ! if my hands had only been filled with pensions, that I might have showered them upon him ! one full pension, even, was such a miserable pittance.

“ Yes,” he said, “ they told him he ought to have had full pension, and the Major, mebbe, would have got it for him ; but he was living in the big city, and he could n’t see him, and it was hard, any way, for the poor to get their rights.”

“What is your Major’s name?” I asked, fired with a sudden determination to bring this matter about; “and where does he live ? ”

Shure and did n’t the leddy know Major Hames, the nice gentleman who had a pleasant word for every one, and who had been just like a father to him in the army ? Patrick had his number and street on a dirty bit of paper, that, mebbe, the leddy would n’t care to touch, but he had never liked to trouble the Major.

And, taking out an old pocket-book, the poor remnant of a man and a brother produced a scrap of paper uninviting enough; but “the leddy” did touch it, and found that the Major who had been a father to the maimed private lived in a very accessible region of the city which I frequently visited. I did not wish, however, to raise false hopes, so I said nothing to Patrick of my intention ; but I was fully resolved to attack this fatherly Major, and lay before him the case of the poor helpless soldier whom Dr. Craig pronounced “partly disabled.” It would be such a triumph to get him a full pension, and show the Doctor that if I did make mistakes in surgical terms, (thanks to his outrageous handwriting !) I understood some things better than he did.

Patrick Doyle was very grateful for our visit, and impressed upon us to the very last that Major Hames had been a father to him.

“ I shall certainly make the old gentleman a visit,” said I, as we emerged from Lime Street; “you know that I have to go to town to-morrow ; and perhaps by stating his case fully to this Major, I may get a few dollars more for poor Patrick. 'Partly disabled,’ indeed ! I should like to know-what he can do with the fragment of body that’s left him ? ”

Mrs. Coleford quite approved of my intention ; and, full of enterprise and resolution, I set forth on my mission, and rang the bell at a handsome house in a very fashionable situation.

“Tell Major Hames,” said I to the servant who ushered me into the drawing-room, “ that a lady wishes to see him on business.”

I had pictured the thin elderly gentleman with gray whiskers, who was to enter the room with dignified elegance, and listen to my narrative in the fatherly manner that had made such an impression on Patrick Doyle ; but when the real Major Hames stood before me I scarcely suppressed a scream, and meditated a wild retreat through one of the windows. It was the officer in Rogers’s group,—the very individual who had picked up that miserable book for me, and who, as he was evidently a friend of Dr. Craig’s, had probably ascertained my singular connection with that gentleman.

I tried to speak, but only stammered, and my face seemed on fire; I did not dare to look at him, and I suppose he was amazed at my conduct, for presently he said, in a very bland tone : “ Pardon me, I understood that you had asked for Major Hames ? ”

Out I came with the very thing I should not have said, and told him clumsily enough that I had expected to see an elderly gentleman.

“ I am very sorry — ” he began ; but the utter absurdity of his being sorry that he was not an elderly gentleman struck us both, and we laughed in concert.

“ I am Miss Redingode,” said I, as I suddenly remembered that this frightfully youthful father of Patrick Doyle’s would not know what to call me.

The handsome face before me fairly beamed with delight.

“Miss Redingode !” he repeated, with a quick movement toward me;

“ that was my mother’s name, and it is also mine. It is so very uncommon that I think we must be related. May I ask if you have relatives in Kentucky ? ”

“I was born there,” I replied, “but I do not think I have any relatives any where.”

“ Excuse me for a moment,” said the gentleman, “you must see my sister” ; and he left me in a tumultuous whirl of excitement over the prospect of coming all of a sudden upon some delightful cousins.

“ This is Mrs. Fay,”said the Major, returning with a young and very charming personage ; “ but I hope she will soon succeed in establishing her right to a less formal title from you.”

“I do hope you are a cousin,” said the lady, warmly; “ we are dreadfully alone in the world, Clarence and I. To be sure, I have my husband.”

“A trifling appendage,” remarked her brother.

“Now, Clarence, be quiet! Miss Redingode does not know you yet. But let us overhaul the family records as speedily as possible, and see how near we can come in our relationship.”

We did an immense amount of talking, and persuaded ourselves into the firm conviction that we were second or third cousins.

It seemed like a fairy-tale ; and my newly found cousins were perfect treasures. They desired to take immediate possession of me ; and after a visit of an hour or two, I could scarcely get away. Mrs. Fay called me “Rose” in the most natural manner, and I found myself addressing her as “ Cousin Nannie.” Her brother assured me that no such person as “ Major Hames ” existed for me, but I did not get on quite so easily with him ; and by a sort of tacit arrangement, we did not call each other anything.

I knew that Cornelia would wonder what had become of me, as I had promised to return to dinner ; and after tracing the Redingodes back to an old Tory great-grandfather, discussing them root and branch, and mourning over the rapid extinction of the race, I fairly tore myself away, with promises of speedy and more satisfactory visits on both sides, and was accompanied to the cars by Major Clarence Redingode Hames.

Mrs. Coleford was quite uneasy at my long absence ; but when I entered, full of excitement and adventures, I found a ready and sympathizing listener.

“ I suppose, then,” said my friend, when I had paused to take breath, “that you found no difficulty in obtaining the Major’s aid for Patrick Doyle ? ”

“ ' Patrick Doyle ’ ! ” I repeated wildly, — " I never thought of him ! ”

My companion looked amazed. “ How, then, did you explain your visit to Major Hames ? ”

“ I did not explain it at all, ’ said I, hanging my diminished head, " except to tell him that I had expected him to be an elderly gentleman.”

Mrs. Coleford laughed merrily.

“Then he took it for granted that you had a habit of calling promiscuously upon elderly gentlemen ! O Rose ! Rose ! I am ashamed of you ! ”

“Don’t!” said I, in despair. “All that you say, I think; and I could shake myself with right good-will. What must my Kentucky cousins think of me, when they come to talk the matter over in cool blood ? ”

As the novelists say, no description could do justice to my feelings; and with my brain in a whirl, I made such absurd mistakes in the army records that I flung the book down in despair, and would have given anything to discover that I had only been dreaming of my visit to Major Hames.

Dr. Craig seemed to have a great deal of business in L—, and speedily followed up his first visit with several others. Every time he came there was fresh laughing over my work ; and when we gravely inquired why he called so many of the soldiers “ Pat,” or if he meant “ Pat ” at all, it seemed almost an impossibility for him to regain his self-control.

“Then you never would have guessed,” said he, finally, “that it was intended for ‘patient’ ? ”

Cornelia and I were disgusted with our own stupidity; and we resolved that no amount of curiosity should induce us to ask any questions in the future.

The very day but one after my raid upon the Major that gentleman’s card and his sister’s were brought to me ; and down I went to explain my singular conduct as I best could.

Cousin Nannie looked lovely, and was attired as bewitchingly as people ot taste, and the wherewithal to gratify it, can attire themselves ; and her exquisite toilet made me feel indescribably shabby. But mine was coming ; a few more yellow rolls would make me quite independent.

These cousins of mine seemed to feel as if they had known me all their lives ; and it was really delightful for a poor, stray waif like myself to be taken at once into the bosom of the family.

“ What did you think I came for ? ” said I, as soon as I could find a chance to introduce the subject; “ I totally forgot my errand to Major Hames, which was not to tell him that I supposed him to be an elderly gentleman ; and when I recovered my senses, I was overwhelmed with mortification. It must have seemed so very queer to you.”

Cousin Nannie looked at her brother, and laughed.

“ We did think of it, after you left,” said she, “and wondered a little how you got there, as you did not know that you were visiting relatives ; but we concluded that you would be able to explain it in a perfectly rational manner. I am sure we are very much obliged to you for coming; and now, Rose,” with an irresistible caress, “you must go home with me at once. I never had a sister, and you can’t think how lonely I am ! ”

This was real Kentucky hospitality, and very pleasant to receive; but I was not disposed to avail myself of it.

“ Nannie is a most unfortunate being,” said the Major, gravely ; “ she has a husband and a brother perfectly devoted to her, and every wish gratified. I think her case appeals eloquently to the sympathies of the benevolent. I hope you are benevolent, Cousin Rose ? ”

My embarrassment at this address was not calmed by Mrs. Fay’s rather irrelevant remark : “ I do think Rose is a lovely name ! and it suits you admirably. You are always in a sort of flush, like the beautiful shades of color on some of those velvety petals. But do forgive me ! I did not mean to make a damask Rose of you.”

I rushed after Mrs. Coleford, to change the conversation; and took much pleasure in introducing my sweet-looking friend to my very charming cousins. They were mutually attracted ; but Cornelia would not listen to the proposed change of my quarters. I was engaged to her, at least, for the summer, she said ; but I promised a Speedy visit, and with this Cousin Nannie declared herself only partly satisfied.

“Now,” said my friend, when we were alone again, “ what about Patrick Doyle ? ”

I laughed outright; it seemed very unfeeling, but I really could not help it.

“ They do not yet know,” said I, thinking of my cousins instead of Patrick, “ what took me to Mrs. Fay’s house last Tuesday ! ”

“ Well,” replied Mrs. Coleford, “ I am very glad that I do not depend on you for a pension. Don’t talk of the Doctor, after such proceedings ! ”

“ I will tell the Major, the next time I see him,” said I, resolutely; “what must he think of me ! ”

“I have not the least doubt,” remarked my friend, dryly, “that his sentiments are quite favorable.”

I felt like a damask Rose again ; and I tried to be provoked with Cornelia, but there really seemed to be no use in it.

“ I have come so soon again,” said Major Hames, one evening, “that I am afraid you will scarcely know whether this was the other visit continued or a new one.”

“ Have you the slightest idea,” said I, in reply, “what took me to see you the other day ? ”

“ No,” replied my cousin, “ I am satisfied with the fact.”

“ But I am not,” I continued, warmly, “and I must request your patience for quite a lengthy story. Do you know a man named Patrick Doyle ? ”

I could scarcely conceal my vexation at the inopportune appearance of Dr. Craig.

The Major’s face was a mixture of annoyance and suppressed laughter, as he returned the Doctor’s astonished greeting: “Why, I didn’t expect to see you here, old fellow!” with the equally flattering remark : “ I had certainly no idea of meeting you ! ”

Then turning to me : “ He deserves to be exposed, Miss Redingode. I almost begged him on my knees to tell me your name the day I met you on his front steps, but he was perfectly callous to all my supplications. This young lady, Robert, turns out to be my cousin ; I should think you would have known that two persons with such a name as ours must belong to the same family.”

“ I had forgotten all about your name,”said the Doctor, in great embarrassment; “ I hope that Miss Redingode will excuse me.”

“ She will excuse you far more readily than I shall,” returned his friend.

“ However, as no harm can come of your selfishness, I suppose that I can afford to be generous.”

I scarcely knew which way to look ; and Cornelia appeared to enjoy it all very much. Our visitors stayed quite late, for each seemed resolved not to desert Mr. Micawber; but they were somewhat constrained with each other, and it was not half so easy to entertain them as when they came singly.

Mrs. Coleford asked me again if I had told the Major about Patrick Doyle.

“No,” I replied, “there is a sort of spell upon that narrative, and I begin to doubt whether I ever shall tell it.”

I did tell my story, however, and Cousin Nannie heard it, too; they laughed at the Irishman’s declaration that Major Hames had been a father to him, as Patrick was a “ b’y ” of at least forty summers; but his case was taken up with the kindest interest, and resulted in my having the satisfaction of writing him down “a total wreck” (although the term was quite unprofessional), and obtaining for him a full pension.

“ Now,” said the Major, with quite a business-like air, when these results had been duly laid before me, “I have a favor to ask.”

We were in the conservatory, and I was rather alarmed to see Cousin Nannie flit off among the orange-trees, and disappear through the door. I thought of following her ; but my other cousin had secured me by one hand, as he whispered: “ Rosa mundi!—May I say, Rosa mine?”

I have no recollection of saying anything whatever; but the Major had the effrontery to assure his sister that I was engaged to him, and this soon came to be looked upon as a settled thing. I did mention something about the unsatisfactoriness of discovering cousins who would not stay cousins ; on which Nannie told me, with the most charming frankness, that she had made up her mind, as soon as she saw me, that I should marry Clarence.

Mrs. Coleford managed to mix up some allusion to Dr. Craig’s disappointment with her congratulations; but I informed her gravely that I fully intended to complete the documents. As to any other disappointment, it seemed entirely foreign to his comfortable appearance, and fresh, English color. He never told his love, but neither did any worm prey upon his damask cheek ; and when the writing was accomplished, I received a fabulous check for my work, which the Doctor assured me I had fully earned, as the rescued documents were of great value to him.

I did not get much of a spring outfit after all, as Cornelia advised me to save up my resources for the autumn, when she seemed to think I would need them particularly ; but I had, at least, the consolation of which Dr. Johnson speaks, that I had endeavored well.