The Old Mandarin
“Translations from the Chinese”
By CHRISTOPHER MORLEY
REASONS FOR SILENCE
THE Old Mandarin has not been heard from
Since he fell off the Gravy Train.
Since he fell off the Gravy Train.
He lost his job as a, radio commentator
Because when he quoted anything
He always said, Invert commas. . . .
Uninvert commas.
The Vice-president In Charge of Usage
Sacked him, saying,
You can’t make mistakes on radio,
It griddles the earth.
Because when he quoted anything
He always said, Invert commas. . . .
Uninvert commas.
The Vice-president In Charge of Usage
Sacked him, saying,
You can’t make mistakes on radio,
It griddles the earth.
He lost his job in a drugstore, too,
Because he thought Sharp & Dohme
Were two different shapes of bra.
Because he thought Sharp & Dohme
Were two different shapes of bra.
VALEDICTORY
How I loved that last preface
Of the old poet Thomas Hardy
Where he said,
“How I could astonish the young reviewers
By opening this book for them
At certain pages.”
Of the old poet Thomas Hardy
Where he said,
“How I could astonish the young reviewers
By opening this book for them
At certain pages.”
PER ARDUA AD ASPIRIN
The post-war world
Will have plenty of headaches.
Will have plenty of headaches.
Exactly, said the philologist:
Migraine in the literal meaning,
Greek hemi-crania,
A splitting head.
Migraine in the literal meaning,
Greek hemi-crania,
A splitting head.
O planners, study the toxic reactions;
Get ready your drugs and bromides, now.
Get ready your drugs and bromides, now.
ADVICE TOO LATE
Poor Big-Eyes!
Don’t, if you can help it,
Fall in love with the Armed Services.
Every time you see the same uniform
You’ll be shaken right down to the bilges.
Don’t, if you can help it,
Fall in love with the Armed Services.
Every time you see the same uniform
You’ll be shaken right down to the bilges.
And how, she replied.
PANACHE
Across the street
In the window of a feather merchant
Is a flash of showy colors
And the sign:
MASKS — PLUMES — EFFECTS
In the window of a feather merchant
Is a flash of showy colors
And the sign:
MASKS — PLUMES — EFFECTS
My poems are all three.
ÉCOLE DES FEMMES
When you kiss my hand, said Pitty Sing,
I get rattled
And don’t know what to say.
I get rattled
And don’t know what to say.
A well-trained woman
(The Old Mandarin reproached her)
Must learn to conceal
Her disappointment.
(The Old Mandarin reproached her)
Must learn to conceal
Her disappointment.
OUTCAST IN POKER FLAT
They put away the card table.
I’ll lend you some jack to get home.
Said the Old Mandarin;
But a codicil of advice.
Never play poker with the Chinese,
They are saturated
With probability.
I’ll lend you some jack to get home.
Said the Old Mandarin;
But a codicil of advice.
Never play poker with the Chinese,
They are saturated
With probability.
CHINESE ORATOR
He usually forgets
The very thing he intended to say
But if he’s lucky he may find himself saying
Something much better
Which he never anticipated.
The very thing he intended to say
But if he’s lucky he may find himself saying
Something much better
Which he never anticipated.
The trouble with cut-and-dried speeches
Is that the speaker dries it
And the audience cuts it.
Is that the speaker dries it
And the audience cuts it.
RENUNCIATION IN A TELEPHONE BOOTH BY LADY PRECIOUS STREAM
Though I sometimes disobeyed
The ration points for steak,
There were calls I might have made
And did not make.
The ration points for steak,
There were calls I might have made
And did not make.
DEATH IN THE AFTERNOON
A little time to ourselves
(Said the Duchess’s invitation)
And I can pour you a drink.
(Said the Duchess’s invitation)
And I can pour you a drink.
From a florist’s refrigerated showcase
The Old Mandarin brought a bunch of rare tulips
As homage for his hostess.
In the warmth of her parlor
The pink petals soon opened
And in one perfect waxy cup
Lay curled a frozen bee.
The Old Mandarin brought a bunch of rare tulips
As homage for his hostess.
In the warmth of her parlor
The pink petals soon opened
And in one perfect waxy cup
Lay curled a frozen bee.
Romantic! murmured the Duchess:
Perhaps he’s only exhausted.
Perhaps he’s only exhausted.
The flowers kept warming and relaxing
(Likewise the Duchess)
But the bee, the philosopher noticed,
Was permanently dead.
Timidly he reflected:
I’ll bet that’s just what the tulip said,
One little soothing drink
And some time to ourselves.
(Likewise the Duchess)
But the bee, the philosopher noticed,
Was permanently dead.
Timidly he reflected:
I’ll bet that’s just what the tulip said,
One little soothing drink
And some time to ourselves.
My motto, he thought, is Anxious to please —
But so was the bee’s.
But so was the bee’s.
POSTCARD
Don’t go hunting for ideas.
ideas are in the air
hunting for you.
ideas are in the air
hunting for you.
