The Old Mandarin "Translations From Chinese"
By CHRISTOPHER MORLEY
CONDITIONED
We turned on the radio
In the middle of a program.
The news from abroad was really terrific
But I noticed the Old Mandarin
Wasn’t paying attention.
“I’m waiting to hear who the sponsor is.
How can I guess how much to believe
Unless I know what they’re advertising?”
In the middle of a program.
The news from abroad was really terrific
But I noticed the Old Mandarin
Wasn’t paying attention.
“I’m waiting to hear who the sponsor is.
How can I guess how much to believe
Unless I know what they’re advertising?”
BIOGRAPHY OF KING CANUTE
In the best Mongolian manner
Was a phrase I noticed once
In the Saturday Evening Post:
“The Future
And How to Prevent It.”
Was a phrase I noticed once
In the Saturday Evening Post:
“The Future
And How to Prevent It.”
BREAKFAST SPOILED
Bill Chung was enraged
By the inexpert waitress.
He gazed rigid as a pointer
While she fussed and fiddled in serving
Till the eggs were dour
And the coffee cold.
Peevishly he asked, “What tip shall I give her?”
By the inexpert waitress.
He gazed rigid as a pointer
While she fussed and fiddled in serving
Till the eggs were dour
And the coffee cold.
Peevishly he asked, “What tip shall I give her?”
Poor wench, pleaded the placable Mandarin,
She’s only dumb; she was trying her best.
“You’re making me soft!" cried Chung,
Adding a nickel.
She’s only dumb; she was trying her best.
“You’re making me soft!" cried Chung,
Adding a nickel.
IT ISN’T EVEN FUNNY
I have a special feeling (said Big Eyes)
About the last match in the folder.
I save it with prudence,
I strike it carefully,
With queer emotion
Which I can’t define.
Is it feminine thrift?
About the last match in the folder.
I save it with prudence,
I strike it carefully,
With queer emotion
Which I can’t define.
Is it feminine thrift?
No, my dear, it is a true instinct.
To make ceremonial
Of casual moments.
The Last of anything
Is always sacred.
To make ceremonial
Of casual moments.
The Last of anything
Is always sacred.
ANGUISH IN HERBA
The friendly curious children
Loquaciously come near:
The poet in his greenwood
Lurks in angry fear.
Loquaciously come near:
The poet in his greenwood
Lurks in angry fear.
There, his private thinking
By innocence defiled,
More than hell or Hitler
He fears the neighbor’s child.
By innocence defiled,
More than hell or Hitler
He fears the neighbor’s child.
ARC DE COLLABORATION
Timely, soon,
Will be the Free Frenchman’s suggestion
For poor old Pétain’s epitaph:
AU SOLDAT TROP CONNU.
Will be the Free Frenchman’s suggestion
For poor old Pétain’s epitaph:
AU SOLDAT TROP CONNU.
ETHICAL CULTURE
One of my favorite Mandarins
(In fact, Mr. Simeon Strunsky)
Passing through the mellay of Times Square
Sees at the door of a vast building
A sign that sends him to work
In a glow of tranquil cheer: — SHINE INSIDE.
(In fact, Mr. Simeon Strunsky)
Passing through the mellay of Times Square
Sees at the door of a vast building
A sign that sends him to work
In a glow of tranquil cheer: — SHINE INSIDE.
WHERE THE WASTE BEGINS
Wonderful wasteful wacky America!
When the carpenters built my seaside pagoda
They threw away so many chips and chunks,
Planks and wedges of useful lumber
That three years later
I’m still using them
To kindle fires.
Your mind, O.M., was like that too.
When the carpenters built my seaside pagoda
They threw away so many chips and chunks,
Planks and wedges of useful lumber
That three years later
I’m still using them
To kindle fires.
Your mind, O.M., was like that too.
JURY RIG
Patiently, said the Old Mandarin,
I accustomed myself to zippers,
But one evening I had to wear
My pre-war dinner suit.
Just one unconscious gesture
And a whole row of confidential buttons
Pattered on the tiles.
I accustomed myself to zippers,
But one evening I had to wear
My pre-war dinner suit.
Just one unconscious gesture
And a whole row of confidential buttons
Pattered on the tiles.
I had to go to His Excellency’s party
Toggled together
With matchsticks.
Toggled together
With matchsticks.
INVESTIGATION OF THE ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE INDUSTRY
Although it costs at least a fin
They do not dare to call it gin.
All of Geneva it inherits
Is the label: NEUTRAL spirits.
They do not dare to call it gin.
All of Geneva it inherits
Is the label: NEUTRAL spirits.
SOLL UND HABEN
Cras vives? Hodie iam serum est. Ille sapit quisquis vixit heri.
— MARTIAL
Tomorrow? Non-existent date!
Today’s already rather late.
Get wise: at least then you can tell
Yourself that Yesterday was swell.
Today’s already rather late.
Get wise: at least then you can tell
Yourself that Yesterday was swell.